Labour unveils its radical new strategy

According to Douglas Alexander, at the heart of the Labour strategy for the election is going to be word of mouth. This stems from the idea that we live in a networked world now so your message spreads through these networks. You see, back at the last election, coffee morning's didn't exist. Nor did social clubs, or sports clubs.

Labour have realised that now we are no longer sat on our sofas being drip-fed food and drugs like we were in 2005, they can use the "word of mouth" strategy to win the election. The plan is to take advantage of a new medium called "language" and something researchers have called "meeting people" in the hope those using the new technology will not talk about who Ashley Cole is currently shagging.

The strategy has also been noted to have a useful side-effect known as the "chinese whisper" theory. This is where the message can be put out as "we'll give you lots of free stuff unlike the Tories" and by the time it has spread it has quite rightly become "the Tories are going to buttfuck you senseless, murder your family, and take your free stuff away...shhhhhh vote labour".

The secret weapon in the "word of mouth" strategy will be Gordon Brown, who will be visiting "ordinary" voters that are pillars in the community. They will visit their local Post Office - assuming it is still open - and tell at least ten of the people collecting their non-earnings linked pension how brilliant he was and how "you really didn't feel like the glass eye was looking elsewhere".

Each of those ten will tell another ten people, and they'll tell another ten people and so on and on and on and on towards ultimate victory. This is known as the "pyramid dimension" of the "word of mouth" strategy.

As you can see this really is a radical new approach to politics that has never been seen before and it will tap into the power of "talking" that has been so lacking at all previous elections.

This is truly a brave new world in which we live and not a pseudo-intellectual theory inspired by dodgy illegal selling practices.