MISSING: Formerly Gordon Brown's personal spin doctor and currently known to be working at the Unite trade union. Charlie Whelan was last seen CC'd on emails relating to a vicious smear campaign by Downing Street against senior Tory MPs. Charlie is approximately 5ft 11inches, with Brown scruffy hair. If you've seen Charlie then please help. His friends and family are worried about him as he has gone to ground whilst the proverbial shit hits the fan for his political 'friends'.
It is vital that we speak to Charlie to establish if he's OK and well in light of his role in the scandal currently troubling the Government in these difficult economic times. If you have any information on Charlie's whereabouts please get in touch.
Has anyone looked under a rock yet?
ReplyDeleteThat's where Labour usually get their political advisors from.
Learnt everything he knows from his old boss.. what's 'is name...errrr... oh, that's right, McCavity.
ReplyDeleteSurely Not another Tom Kelly ?
ReplyDeleteIncidently- what about McPoison is the Press pack quarantined !
Fenman
Perhaps Charlie can shed some light into the 'hacking' that is so exercising his 'friends'
ReplyDeleteErrr, is that him, hiding behind the pile of destroyed Nokias, muttering "Email, what's an email?"?
ReplyDeleteUp a Drainpipe?
ReplyDeleteHe didn't mention about going for a walk in the woods did he?
ReplyDeleteHave you checked the local sewers?
ReplyDeleteI do believe he is to be found hiding in Tom Watson's arse.
ReplyDeleteYou could try phoning (01479 851331) the post office in Dulnain Bridge about two miles from Grantown-on-Spey in the Highlands.
ReplyDeleteThat's where he lives now as far as I know and it's a small place.
It's probably better to leave him decently buried. Let sleeping dogs lie and all that.
ReplyDeleteThere are quite enough of the Legion of the damned above ground already without resurrecting this particular specimen.
http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/features/Interview-Derek-Draper--Spin.5149215.jp
ReplyDeleteHe's at Unite's Bank's hole in the wall making vast withdrawals for Dolly's bail money?
ReplyDeleteHas anyone looked up the creek?
ReplyDeleteI've never been to that wood. Those aren't my shoes. I don't have a shovel. I once carried some stuff for Charlie, that's why some fibres from his clothes are in there. It was a coincidence that I phoned him. No comment. No comment. No comment.
ReplyDeleteCharlie might be at his holiday home in Dulnain Bridge, Speyside. He used to write a column for the local paper the Strathspey and Badenoch Herald.
ReplyDeleteLook under "Whelan's World" at
http://www.strathspey-herald.co.uk/
with luck, the body parts being found in Hertfordshire and Leicesteshire are his. Whether it is good use of "plod time" to look for the remaining parts is open to question. Perhaps this is a precursor to the return to the good old days of Tyburn, drawing and quartering abd other such means of week-end entertainment for those "hard working families" which the one-eyed feculent fuckwit from Fife bangs on about..
ReplyDeleteWell published. Where is the odious fatso? Typical of the mouthy one to do a runner under fire. I have objected for years at the "platforms" this cocky sod gets - particularly for a long time in PR Week. I was amazed that all the other readers put up with his ridiculous "column". Track him down and let us hear him sounding like Campbell who is busy distancing himself from it all.
ReplyDeleteI'm on holiday with Derek and Kate. This was all just a joke. Honestly. Now leave us alone to get on with the real 'issues that matter'.
ReplyDeleteI have spent some time trying to trace the elusive and quite offensive Whelan. I want to E mail him and ask for an explanation. Where is he? The Unite website answers a search by saying they have no trace of him!
ReplyDeleteCharlie Whelan is often kept busy trying the "do you know who I am" line when submitting planning objections to development near his private stretch of salmon river.....they looked from man to pig, and pig to man, and man to pig again and could no longer tell the difference....
ReplyDeleteI think I can put everyones' minds at rest.
ReplyDeleteCharlie has recently joined my ship's crew as a deckchair attendant.
Sorry about the Anonymous tag - the ship's telegraph clerk can't set up a blog identity. Just can't get the staff these days. I blame that Lloyd-George.
Captain E.J Smith
RMS Titanic
I believe (actually, just guessing) he may be shacked up in some back-street Scarborough guest house with a certain Gordon Brown who is also missing.
ReplyDeleteCowards, the lot of them!
What's the betting some huge Government - headline stealing - initiative is announced tomorrow?
Probably "walking in the Highlands"
ReplyDeletetry somewhere between Aviemore and Newtonmore
LOL.....come back Charlie, we love you really!
ReplyDeleteBut in the -parodied- words of singer Alesha Dixon: "The boy knows nothing, the boy knows nothing."
ReplyDeleteAnd for those tempted to defend them...
That they didn't know is, in itself, grounds for resignation. I mean, what a fantastic headline!
"Out of control civil servants run libel campaign. Senior ministers in the same office and the Prime Minister knew nothing."
No we don't
ReplyDeleteHe lives in Scotland! Christ anyone warned the Loch Ness Monster he's got competition
ReplyDeleteNewsflash:
ReplyDeleteProctologist seen going into No10 to join the search for Charlie.
Last seen esconced at No. 10 attending 'How to fiddle your expenses' lecture along with a load of nooLabour MPs (Milker of Public).
ReplyDeleteWhelan. Foul mouthed liar. Failed bully. Pedler of slander and libel.
ReplyDeleteHated and loathed by Campbell. Slapped by Campbell. Ran away. Distributor of Brown's venom.
Campbell is living bacteria but one decent act before he slopes off into the woods to deal with his self loathing demons would be to bitch slap Fat Charlie for incompetence. Fat Charlie would run a mile. Tough until it comes to the crunch.
Are you up for it Fat Charlie?
He is either holed up at Chez McNulty the house the taxpayers bought for the MP for Harrow's Mum and Dad or he is occupying a spare room at Tacki Smiths sisters house
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone have a copy of poor Charlie's DNA?
ReplyDeleteBecause according to the news various body parts have been showing up all over south central England over the last few days.
He's out sniffing a ferrets arse whilst a whippet does the same to him. I gather they term it 'up ferretwhipping' down his way.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I mean't "upferawhipping"
ReplyDelete"failimis" password, says it all!
I must say that I am very surprised that the BBC news reporters are not camped outside Charlie's house pressing him for his comments on this sequence of events. Its almost as if the BBC News editorial team are desperately trying to turn a blind eye to it all. Surely not ...
ReplyDeleteLast time I saw that face was in Shrek 2.
ReplyDeleteWhatanuglycunt
Trying to think up excuses for drawing his enormous salary while thousands of Unite members are staring at redundancy. He's up to his eyebrows in the McBride story.
ReplyDeleteWill Clarence Mitchell pop up as his spokesman
ReplyDelete