Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Government proposes walking speed limits for the elderly

At last the Government has decided to propose a decent law that is much needed, that of licenses and speed limits for the walking elderly. The new laws are going to be contained in the "Tomish Velocity Bill" which stipulates quite specifically that there will be a requirement for anyone over the age of 55 who wishes to walk anywhere to obtain a license from the Department for Transport and undergo yearly speed tests.

Police, Traffic Wardens and PCSOs will also be given powers to issue fixed penalty notices on the elderly who randomly stop whilst walking on a busy pavement or are generally too slow. Folding chairs will be provided to law enforecment officers so they can order the irritatingly slow to sit down and wait for someone to pick them up and get them off their roads. In a private memo, the Secretary of State for Transport, the Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP, said
I'm sick to death of walking along Millbank and having to fall over my feet because some elderly urine smelling woman decided to stop for no apparent reason. Amputation may be a step too far but if we can just confine these people to their homes then it will solve so many problems on the pavements. At the end of the day they're old so they'll die soon anyway."
The Lib Dems have responded angrily to the laws suggesting that it is a politically motivated attack on their elder statesmen and women such as Shirley Williams and Menzies Campbell. Their leader, Nick Clegg said,

Look, we know they're old, but remember that Menzies used to be a sprinter. All that running in earlier life should surely be allowed to be credited to his life now?
Norman Tebbit and Magaret Thatcher were unavailable for comment as they couldn't get to the phone quick enough when the press called them.

10 comments:

T England said...

Yes & we shouldn't have too many of them on the streets at once, maybe the elderly men can walk the streets on Mon, wed & fri & the women can have the other two week days & the weekend can be a free for all.

Faux Cu said...

Nothing is impossible, especially today.

Anonymous said...

Good one, Dizzy. Almost got me!

Letters From A Tory said...

That still doesn't deal with the problem of crazy loos in battery-powered buggies mowing down innocent pedestrians, but it's a start.

Anonymous said...

Yeh happy Xmas and New year,question is The Lord High Protector going to do PMQ's today or is he so busy getting is photo taken with Obambimessiah

Thatsnews said...

Shshhh! They'll take this up if you are not careful! But they'll say it si for the elfen safetee of the elderly!

someday said...

I'm 57 and I AM NOT FUCKING ELDERLY.

dizzy said...

Did you miss the word "the" between "fucking" and "elderly"?

curly15 said...

Don't worry, they'll hurry along when the Cyborg gets behind them.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Hilarious!